Guest Post: Scummy Mummies ‘How To Be A Great Working Mum

The Scummy Mummies comedy duo Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorn, host a fortnightly chat show for the less-than-perfect parent and perform live shows around the UK. Their podcast has been recognised by many including the Guardian, The Telegraph, the Sunday Times and has featured on Radio 4’s Woman’s hour.

Many moons ago I was fortunate enough to attend school with Ellie. Ellie Gibson is now a wife, mother, veteran video games journalist and stand-up comedian. She has two boys, five-year-old Charlie and baby Joe. Thanks to Ellie and Helen for this hilarious take on how to be a great working mum. Enjoy!

How To Be A Great Working Mum

Juggling motherhood and a career can be tough, according to every article about juggling motherhood and a career ever. This is also the subject of the Meryl Streep movie Ricki and the Flash. But it’s important to remember that being a parent can have its advantages in the workplace. If you thought you were good at multi-tasking before you had kids, just wait till you have to combine board meetings and spreadsheets with breastfeeding, nappy changing, and nits. Here’s the Scummy Mummies guide to how to make the most of your newfound parenting skills at work.

Simplify That Morning Routine

Being a parent forces you to prioritise what’s important at the start of the day. It can be a struggle to achieve the perfect blow dry and flawless make-up while trying to persuade a toddler to eat his breakfast instead of the remote control, and wiping poo off the radiator. The smart mum knows it’s easier to hide that unwashed hair under a hat, such a stylish beret. Or solve two problems at once with a sombrero – it will balance out those dark circles, so there’s no need for all that Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat. Which you can’t afford any more anyway, because of the nanny.

Be Fashion Forward

Parenting provides the perfect opportunity to overhaul your personal style by exploring the world of accessories. Brooches, scarves, and giant necklaces are great for covering snot stains. They also act as a distraction, drawing your colleagues’ attention away from the Weetabix stuck to your bottom.

Save Time In Meetings

Now you’re a parent you don’t have time to waste, but you do have ways to move things along. If you ever need to bring a boring work conversation to an end, just start showing the person pictures of your kids. You can also shut down meetings pretty quickly by talking about your suspected prolapse.

Planned Parenthood

As a parent, you learn to be a master of scheduling. It’s not just meetings and conference calls – you’re also keeping track of ballet lessons and school plays, while factoring in time to do the supermarket shop, and fight with your husband. Show off about how busy you are by buying an expensive, leather-bound family planner with 28 individually tabbed sections. It will make you look super-organised and competent for those two weeks before you lose it, the dog eats it, or the kids set fire to it.

Caffeine Is King

People without kids often just see coffee as a drink. The rest of us understand it is the elixir of life. You will develop an encyclopedic knowledge of every Costa Coffe and Caffe Nero within 500 metres of the office. You will know exactly how many Nespresso pods are in the office kitchen at any moment. Your colleagues will ensure the stock is regularly topped up, because no one wants a repeat of the day you were found weeping under the sink, threatening to punch everyone in the face.

Treat Colleagues Like Toddlers

If a workmate is disagreeing with you, use your the same voice you use on your kids to explain calmly but authoritatively why they’re talking shit. Encourage your subordinates to hit deadlines by telling them to get the work done by the time you count to three. Putting colleagues on the naughty step is probably taking it too far, but there’s nothing wrong with rewarding a job well done with a Wow card and a packet of chocolate buttons.

Accept The Mess

The truth is, trying to be a great working mother is bloody hard. You’ll always struggle to stay calm in the face of tantrums, fighting, generally unreasonable behaviour, and no one ever flushing the toilet – and then you have to deal with it all again when you get home. Accept the fact you’ll never be a perfect mother or a faultless colleague, and that life is always going to be messy. Rest assured that just like everyone else, you’re doing the best job you can.

​Grab a copy of their new book Scummy Mummies ‘for anyone who’s ever dealt with a poo in the pool, cleaned up a sick in the supermarket, or gone to an important meeting without realising there’s weetabix stuck to their bum! Because let’s be honest no matter how much we love our kids, or how good we are at parenting, everyone’s a Scummy Mummy sometimes’.